I thought I would set up a dying club, but then it has been around long before I ever thought about it. The great thing is is that we are all members with a time limited membership. I don't think formalising the membership is necessary.
Some of us, unfortunately, have our membership terminated way too early with all of the attendant grief and sorrow that that entails. I admit that I am afraid of the day that I have to cut my membership card in two and hand it back. During my time so far in the club I have been quite lucky, firstly I am still a member at the age of 44! I often think of those who were in the club before me and wonder where they are now, I dream often of family members but it is always surreal. I have a special VIP membership that includes all the good people I have had the good fortune to know. I have been touched by their lives and I hope I have touched theirs.
There is no escaping the fact that the Dying Club is the most popular club (by membership terms at least). Many though would rather not be members at all, there is no choice, yet. The fee for membership can and does vary. It is not monetary, well not really. It is quite an individual cost and can be quantified in terms of emotion, experience, misfortune. You can profit quite easily too, in terms of happiness, fulfilment and pleasure. You can lose in terms of sadness, sense of loss and depression. All of us gain and lose depending upon what we do during our time limited membership.
The Duration of our membership is, by most measures, rather short. Many have observed the relative probability of having been given membership of the club at all as being incredibly miniscule, so we are lucky really.
I do wonder that when I leave the Dying Club, what, if any, shall I move on to and for how long? I am really not that sure, but I feel certain that there is another one, at least one, I hope.
I was not dying to join the club but I was born a member and although I would not say I am dying to leave, I will have to die to leave the club. It is a paradox of the language to say that I am dying to be happy, I am certainly not happy to be dying but I must accept that it is the rules of the club.
Most people hope that they remain members until they are at least 100 years old but statistics show that the majority will leave before then.
I don't quite know what brought me to write about this, but then I am often inspired by unknown forces and imagination and I feel compelled to write. I am not mad, well no more than any normal person can be considered mad. (What is normal, someone who conforms to the norms of society, in which case I am most certainly not normal, some of the time).
To those of my loved ones who may be reading this, don't worry. I think my membership is due to last for a while longer, I am not yet (to my knowledge) on any fast track scheme.
Do please make the most of your membership by finding the happiness, fulfilment and reward that it can offer and please do not keep that to yourself. It is so much better to share these things.
Sunday, 5 February 2017
Saturday, 4 February 2017
The Poland Visit 4th December 2016
Opportunities come and go and when they are there you should max the best use of them. I have been fortunate enough to enjoy able to visit Poland for reasons connected with work. What is more is that I have been able to fulfil a long term aim to pay my respects to the victims of the holocaust in my own way.
For six days I was lodged in the Polish city of Wroclaw. I arranged to fly in on the Friday late on and I had booked a hire car and hotel for the two days of the weekend. What is more when one of my Polish colleagues heard that I wanted to visit the concentration camps of Auswitz and Birkenau he very kindly offered to be my guide.
I have read only a few books on the subject of the holocaust and I have seen several films that retell those awful events. I was not sure how I would react and I was torn as to whether or not to take my camera. In my mind it is clearly wrong to refer to visitors to the camps as tourists, perhaps pilgrims, mourners, those seeking forgiveness, those who simply want to bear witness or who are determined never to forget and to ensure future generations never again allow such a thing to happen. In my case it is an individual act and, despite having my guide I wanted to be left in my own world with my own thoughts as I bore witness.
Birkenau
What I thought was the camp of Auswitz and one that I think most people imagine to be a typical camp is in fact Birkenau. The notorious arch thorough which passed the cattle trains and the single railway line, known the world over through the many documentaries and films, rises out of the flat surrounding countryside. It marked the central dividing line between two vast halves of the camp, themselves surrounded by barbed wire electric fences, watch towers and a ditch. The arch through which the trains passed is also the area where the victims were herded and then underwent selection, divided into those who would work until they died, be used for enforced medical experiments or simply marched to their immediate death by gassing. Children and in particular twins were sought after for grotesque experiments and ultimately murder. There was never any protest as the incoming victims were processed and later I reflected on this unknowing compliance.
At the opposite end of the entrance building with the archway are the remains of two crematoria, which the Nazis destroyed in a futile attempt to hide the evidence of their crimes. It is maybe 300 metres from the arches to what is left of the gas chambers and as I stood on the selection ramp where some 1.3 million victims, mostly Jews of course, had passed, I found it hard to absorb the scale and gravity of the crimes. I still reflect and cannot quite grasp the numbers and horror.
As you look towards the gas chambers down the ramp there are noticeably brick built huts on the left side and wooden ones on the right. With many former huts marked out by the still standing chimneys, usually two per hut, if they have survived intact. The original design of the huts was to accommodate 52 horses but in fact contained around 1,000 prisoners. That comparison of the regard that the perpetrators had for horses over and above their fellow man is staggering. It did not escape me and I wondered if anyone else had noted the numbers.
The camp is well organised, as distasteful as that may sound. You can identify the kitchen blocks and shower blocks by features. There are warehouses for the possessions, cruelly they have bars on the windows presumably to have prevented the prisoners from being able to steal back their own clothes.
The camp was peaceful and the weather was cold and foggy, there were not many visitors when we were there. Our visit passed by the memorial between the two piles of rubble marking the crematoria. Signs respectfully instructed visitors not to climb on the rubble, I cannot imagine anyone even thinking about that. Perhaps children who would not understand the significance of the act. I like to think that anyone who visits these places already has the deepest respect for the meaning of the place but I do suppose there will always be some who will not think or care.
The last thing I noted of significance for me was next to the specially commissioned memorial which has large brass tablets in multiple languages each marking the remembrance of the holocaust. I noted that there was a tablet in English and although I have no doubt that British victims are included in the loss it struck me that Britain as a whole had not been cleared of Jews and yet here we had a brass tablet to make sure we could understand. As I write I think of the Channel Islands as an exception. The experience thus far was an individual one and my guide and his girlfriend left me in my own thoughts, for which I was grateful.
We departed the camp in a rather more sombre mood than when we had driven down. Our next location was a few kilometres away to Auschwitz.
Auschwitz
The camp of Auschwitz is next to the local town and used to be a Polish barracks before being brought into use as a concentration camp by the Nazis. The first think you note is that it is much busier than Birkenau. There are queues of people waiting to enter the camp and there are lots of small food and book stalls in the immediate area outside the camp. There is no charge to enter either camp and there are tours that are available in multiple languages.
The camp is much more compact than Birkenau and the rows of barrack blocks look deceptively ordinary. It takes a moment to begin to appreciate again the horrors that took place here. A number of the blocks have been given over to particular displays. I cannot remember the order in which we visited and so I will just outline my thoughts and feelings as I recall them.
Some of the blocks are dedicated to the nations of those who lost their lives and we visited two in particular, that of Poland and Belgium. In the Polish block there was an overview of the war as it impacted upon the poles and one of the most striking things was the number of camps and ghettos that were situated in Poland. I have to be be honest in that I believed that there was only 1 ghetto, the Warsaw ghetto, but that is probably because it is the most well known. Effectively these ghettos formed a kind of open prison prior to the victims being transported to the camps. The final Solution evolved if I can use that term. The mechanism and challenges of the tasks the Nazis had set themselves required refinement. The intent was always there of course. Having read and learned a bit about the holocaust the images and stories of the atrocities have evolved in meaning to me from when I was a child to my adult understanding. I don't think I can ever take in the scale but when you put it into personal terms then things become quite different.
In the Belgian block the main display gave a rather cold and tragic statistical analysis of the victims who left the transportation centre in Mechelan. Each transport number was given with those dates that they left and arrived, how many were transported, how many died on the journey, how many were killed and how many survived. The latter rarely if ever broke into double digits and anywhere between 700+ victims were transported with each load. I have visited Kazzerne Dossin, it is an innocuous place. The fact that I had seen and stepped in the same place as these victims gave greater meaning to me. I thought of my family and friends, they were to come to mind later as the visit progressed.
As we stepped out of one of the blocks we saw a long queue of people filing into the basement of another and so we dutifully joined this queue and quietly snaked down the steps and along past holding cells to the very end of the corridor where we found some unusual brick features, which may have been some kind of punishment holes for prisoners. The three of us wondered why we had just queued as there was no display or information. My personal thoughts turned to the selection where those going to their deaths would have queued and filed off in a similar unquestioning manner, it made me shudder. By the time we realised we could do nothing but follow the snake back out, at least we came out.
We moved to another block but on our way we stopped to use the lavatory. I thought about the conditions the prisoners would have endured. In Birkenau the latrines were open and maybe some 100 or more holes, where my host told me there were given 30 seconds to do what they needed to do. I went to wash my hands and the water shocked me as it was hot. Usually in most public toilets hot water is rare. I thought of all places and in one of these barracks it really surprised me the contrast of having hot water as a luxury compared to what would have been available back then.
We came to a block that had displays of hair, shoes, cases and kitchen utensils. This was perhaps one of the the most moving for me. I stopped and gazed at the shoes thinking that at some point the men and women to whom they belonged would have been shopping and deciding over them much like we do when we buy our own. Each shoe representing a very personal choice, pleasurable experience and maybe a special gift from loved ones. Buying shoes will never quite be the same for me, I will without doubt reflect each time I look into the shop window or dither over which pair to buy. There was a display which has a vast mesh of round spectacle frames and lenses, my first thought here was that it could have easily passed for art in a gallery, but of course these belonged to real people and were not based on the imagination of an individual.
There was a room with hair, lots of pigtails and shaved hair. The signs indicated that the hair was used to manufacture fabric and that in a lot of cases the residue of zyklon b could be detected in the fabric. I thought of how I like to run my fingers through the hair of my wife as she lies resting her head on my chest. I thought of those victims and their mothers, wives, husbands, brothers playing with their hair, making pigtails, caressing it, smelling it. It was a difficult part of the display for me to absorb.
The girlfriend of my colleague was moved to tears when she saw the photographs and heard the translation of how female victims arrived with healthy weights and were severely underweight by the time the camp was liberated. I remember seeing 80, 65 and 56kg ladies reduced to half or a quarter of that. The images gave visual reference to this. As I looked at the images I had become kind of conditioned to expecting images of near skeletal figures when looking at concentration camp victims. The emphasis for me was the accompanying descriptions with the figures.
We needed to get out into the fresh air and temporarily have a break from sadness of the displays. We elected to leave but our last stop was perhaps the most chilling. A simple waist high black tablet politely reminded people entering that they must show respect for what had gone on in the building. We entered the crematorium, it was bare brick and in a dilapidated state, there was no real information on display as we entered a large room. I noted the black marks and some pipework and wondered where I was, looking up to the ceiling it suddenly came to me that this was the gas chamber and I was looking directly up to where the zyklon b tablets would have been dropped into the chamber. It chills me more now than it did when I stood there. We exited out past the ovens and back into the fresh air.
We had all seen more than enough and wanted to leave, we had a long drive back and plenty of time to reflect. I bought some more books on the subject from one of the several small bookshops next to the camp.
As I finish up on this I find myself not quite sure what to say. I feel deeply that people should be aware of what went on and the significance of it, with its attendant perversion of society and corruption of human behaviour. That said I also feel that it is an individual choice as to whether you would wish to visit such a place as this. I have spoken briefly to friends and family about the visit and I shy away, not because I think it should not be a topic of conversation, but because I don't think there is ever an appropriate moment to discuss the subject in conversation without making people feel sickened by it. Maybe I am wrong to feel inhibited, usually I am not. One of the reasons for me writing this is that it is my narrative and allows to express my thoughts.
Sunday, 6 November 2016
London Transport
On the 14th July 1956 at about 15.42 an historic accord was signed between the London Boroughs and London Transport. The Transport Integration Technical Scheme (TITS for short) was conceived to cater to the needs of the London commuter by bringing the latest in planning and advancements in technology to the transport solution for London. Over the years supplementary appendices have been added to include the General Post Office, British Gas, British Telecom and their respective successors among others. Occasionally local retailers and business are also brought into the TITS plan as the transport experience evolves. For this blog I will be focussing on the Driver Training for the infamous busses and giving a perspective from the point of view of the humble commuter, remembering that this experience has been carefully crafted and originates from the 1956 TITS accord.
Leaving, as I usually do, at around 06.00, I make my way some 200 metres to the appointed bus stop and await the arrival of my bus, first having seen one drive by as I walk along my street. At the bus stop the first thing to note is that there is a helpful timetable which gives misleading information as to when to expect the busses to arrive. There is usually a window of time between which you can normally not expect the bus to arrive. Some bus shelters have electronic signs which are updated real time with misleading timings and bus numbers, mainly to give hope to the commuter as they wait.
At my bus stop I note the fruitless nature of the no smoking sign appended to the bus shelter as the man adjacent to the edge of the open shelter and upwind is shortening his life. When the bus arrives you need to try and outwit the driver, who has been thoroughly trained, into stopping at the bus stop, or at least within a metre of the pole with the sign on it. The best way I have found of getting the bus to stop is to team up with the other commuters and get them to stand at least 2 metres from the post, that way the bus driver feels safe to pull up next to it. Then it is open season as all converge to the front door. The driver is obliged to pause and open the middle doors first, regardless of whether or not anyone wishes to dismount, this is to allow the cold and damp air to refresh those customers sat on the lower deck of the bus. After pausing to allow the commuters to retrieve their travel cards, he then opens the door (maybe after 3 seconds or so). This pause to allow commuters to find their cards is, of course, completely pointless. Commuters realise that the TITS agreement places certain obligations on them, including only retrieving the said travel card once they have fumbled through bags and pockets. In the meantime the bus driver waves his hand in a horizontal motion to encourage the commuters to board speedily. Despite the normal signage that customers must not engage the driver in conversation whilst the bus is in motion, few realise that this in fact applies at all times. Drivers are not allowed to return or initiate the normal salutations that one would expect between client and provider.
Once the last passenger is aboard, but before they are seated, the bus driver is required to sharply pull out, swerve and brake hard in order to test the steering and braking systems of the bus. This happens after every stop. Regular passengers are by now aware of this requirement but some unsuspecting tourists often get caught out and utter the odd expletive in their respective mother tongues. Drivers are highly trained staff and are diligent at observing the required obligations detailed in the TITS agreement and subsequent amendments.
When approaching traffic lights drivers are required to accelerate hard and then brake, alternating at least 3 times when there is no traffic in front or up to 5 times if their is a vehicle within 30 metres in front or behind. The reason for this is twofold, firstly it is to test the systems of the bus and also due to the unpredictable nature of the traffic lights. The issue with the traffic lights is not, as one might expect the timing of light changes but is in fact the uncertainty of their location and whether or not they will move in time and space by upwards of 5 metres. Drivers are so highly trained that they often operate in another dimension, which goes a long way to explaining why they do not speak. Any speech would materialise around 10 minutes after the words were spoken, so pointless really.
Arriving at the bus stop is a carefully timed event and has taken many years and hours of co-ordination to perfect. In my case the bus stops conveniently near to a Tube station, but as you can expect this is where the TITS accord shines. The agreements with the local authorities and utility companies ensure that stops that are co-located with tube stations are festooned with bins, electrical cabinets, advertising boards and other impediments which has the desired effect of channelling the desperate commuters over an assault course of obstacles in their bid to get the Tube station. The experience is further enhanced by the ability of the driver to align the obstacles (in my case a double sized recycling dustbin) with the middle doors of the bus. If they are particularly accurate they leave an ankle breaking gap between the kerb and the bus to add further challenge to the process.
The rush to the Tube is a forlorn affair and, despite the static and inevitable nature of ticket barriers, a remarkable number of commuters feel the need to play hide and seek with their tickets. The odd one or 20 are carrying child tickets and a few others tailgate fare paying customers to get through the barriers. It is all in vain, the tube is tantalisingly at the platform only long enough for you to get the faintest hope of catching it before it departs. Some enterprising commuters launch themselves, as if Olympic diving champions, at the waiting train as they seem to enjoy the experience of what it feels like to be in a machine press. After several repeat stampings by the closing doors the train pulls out.
An so begins the Tube ride to work, a story for another time.
Leaving, as I usually do, at around 06.00, I make my way some 200 metres to the appointed bus stop and await the arrival of my bus, first having seen one drive by as I walk along my street. At the bus stop the first thing to note is that there is a helpful timetable which gives misleading information as to when to expect the busses to arrive. There is usually a window of time between which you can normally not expect the bus to arrive. Some bus shelters have electronic signs which are updated real time with misleading timings and bus numbers, mainly to give hope to the commuter as they wait.
At my bus stop I note the fruitless nature of the no smoking sign appended to the bus shelter as the man adjacent to the edge of the open shelter and upwind is shortening his life. When the bus arrives you need to try and outwit the driver, who has been thoroughly trained, into stopping at the bus stop, or at least within a metre of the pole with the sign on it. The best way I have found of getting the bus to stop is to team up with the other commuters and get them to stand at least 2 metres from the post, that way the bus driver feels safe to pull up next to it. Then it is open season as all converge to the front door. The driver is obliged to pause and open the middle doors first, regardless of whether or not anyone wishes to dismount, this is to allow the cold and damp air to refresh those customers sat on the lower deck of the bus. After pausing to allow the commuters to retrieve their travel cards, he then opens the door (maybe after 3 seconds or so). This pause to allow commuters to find their cards is, of course, completely pointless. Commuters realise that the TITS agreement places certain obligations on them, including only retrieving the said travel card once they have fumbled through bags and pockets. In the meantime the bus driver waves his hand in a horizontal motion to encourage the commuters to board speedily. Despite the normal signage that customers must not engage the driver in conversation whilst the bus is in motion, few realise that this in fact applies at all times. Drivers are not allowed to return or initiate the normal salutations that one would expect between client and provider.
Once the last passenger is aboard, but before they are seated, the bus driver is required to sharply pull out, swerve and brake hard in order to test the steering and braking systems of the bus. This happens after every stop. Regular passengers are by now aware of this requirement but some unsuspecting tourists often get caught out and utter the odd expletive in their respective mother tongues. Drivers are highly trained staff and are diligent at observing the required obligations detailed in the TITS agreement and subsequent amendments.
When approaching traffic lights drivers are required to accelerate hard and then brake, alternating at least 3 times when there is no traffic in front or up to 5 times if their is a vehicle within 30 metres in front or behind. The reason for this is twofold, firstly it is to test the systems of the bus and also due to the unpredictable nature of the traffic lights. The issue with the traffic lights is not, as one might expect the timing of light changes but is in fact the uncertainty of their location and whether or not they will move in time and space by upwards of 5 metres. Drivers are so highly trained that they often operate in another dimension, which goes a long way to explaining why they do not speak. Any speech would materialise around 10 minutes after the words were spoken, so pointless really.
Arriving at the bus stop is a carefully timed event and has taken many years and hours of co-ordination to perfect. In my case the bus stops conveniently near to a Tube station, but as you can expect this is where the TITS accord shines. The agreements with the local authorities and utility companies ensure that stops that are co-located with tube stations are festooned with bins, electrical cabinets, advertising boards and other impediments which has the desired effect of channelling the desperate commuters over an assault course of obstacles in their bid to get the Tube station. The experience is further enhanced by the ability of the driver to align the obstacles (in my case a double sized recycling dustbin) with the middle doors of the bus. If they are particularly accurate they leave an ankle breaking gap between the kerb and the bus to add further challenge to the process.
The rush to the Tube is a forlorn affair and, despite the static and inevitable nature of ticket barriers, a remarkable number of commuters feel the need to play hide and seek with their tickets. The odd one or 20 are carrying child tickets and a few others tailgate fare paying customers to get through the barriers. It is all in vain, the tube is tantalisingly at the platform only long enough for you to get the faintest hope of catching it before it departs. Some enterprising commuters launch themselves, as if Olympic diving champions, at the waiting train as they seem to enjoy the experience of what it feels like to be in a machine press. After several repeat stampings by the closing doors the train pulls out.
An so begins the Tube ride to work, a story for another time.
Friday, 16 September 2016
The Annual Cat Capturing Festival
Our cats are, as most others are, quite intelligent and constantly alert to the threats of their environment. My plan to catch them, for their annual trip to the vets needed to be sneaky and well thought through. Both I and the cats have had some amazingly traumatic moments and so I have always been keen to minimise this as much as possible. In this case the cats had become accustomed to spending most of their time outside, not being assisted by their banishment from the living room for reasons of hygiene. Their territory was the garden with drop in visits to the garage just to eat food.
My plan utilised the experiences of the previous occasions and made assumptions, flawed as it turned out. I negotiated with An to allow the cats to access the living room in the weeks leading up to V-Day. I often waited up for them and sat in silence until they ventured nervously into the living room. They were especially cautious as they were now unfamiliar with the room. The day before I blocked the exit on the cat flap following their food, they were immediately alerted to their escape being blocked and went into hiding in the garage, leaving their food uneaten. Poppy whimpered for a bit, which tugged on my heart strings as I reassured her it was all okay. I left them for the night and had a good nights sleep.
The next morning I was down early to feed them and both came out reasonably happily and had a bit to eat. They quickly returned to hiding. The appointment was 11.00 and thus I began to make my preparations.
I put the two cat boxes together and placed them out of sight in the living room. I noted Poppy in the corner under the boiler. I placed cardboard between the two fridges to cut off the depth of the recess into which the cats could retreat. This was Poppy's favourite bastion where she always made her last stand. Having made those preparations I then left to do some errands. I was confident that their capture would not be too difficult. I had assumed that Obie was in one of the two cardboard boxes with the cat beds in, my first failed assumption.
At about 10.30 I moved in with the boxes, carefully closing the living room door behind me. I sought Obie first, thinking he would be the easiest. I carefully peered into the cardboard boxes expecting to see a pair of nervous eyes looking at me and, if I am honest, I was hoping they would both be in the boxes. It turns out that two pairs of eyes were watching me from another vantage point. My stress level picked up as I realised that the task had become harder.
Our garage is full of ideal bolt holes suited to terrified and highly agitated cats. Obie was found hiding under the gas and electric meters but soon darted off along the pipes behind the storage boxes and towards the boiler. I had to remove from the side all boxes and other bits and pieces to get rid of hiding places. Quickly he darted into the second kitchen, a much smaller room. I closed the door to the garage and hoped that he had not gone behind the washing machine, which would have been game over at that point.
My plan utilised the experiences of the previous occasions and made assumptions, flawed as it turned out. I negotiated with An to allow the cats to access the living room in the weeks leading up to V-Day. I often waited up for them and sat in silence until they ventured nervously into the living room. They were especially cautious as they were now unfamiliar with the room. The day before I blocked the exit on the cat flap following their food, they were immediately alerted to their escape being blocked and went into hiding in the garage, leaving their food uneaten. Poppy whimpered for a bit, which tugged on my heart strings as I reassured her it was all okay. I left them for the night and had a good nights sleep.
The next morning I was down early to feed them and both came out reasonably happily and had a bit to eat. They quickly returned to hiding. The appointment was 11.00 and thus I began to make my preparations.
I put the two cat boxes together and placed them out of sight in the living room. I noted Poppy in the corner under the boiler. I placed cardboard between the two fridges to cut off the depth of the recess into which the cats could retreat. This was Poppy's favourite bastion where she always made her last stand. Having made those preparations I then left to do some errands. I was confident that their capture would not be too difficult. I had assumed that Obie was in one of the two cardboard boxes with the cat beds in, my first failed assumption.
At about 10.30 I moved in with the boxes, carefully closing the living room door behind me. I sought Obie first, thinking he would be the easiest. I carefully peered into the cardboard boxes expecting to see a pair of nervous eyes looking at me and, if I am honest, I was hoping they would both be in the boxes. It turns out that two pairs of eyes were watching me from another vantage point. My stress level picked up as I realised that the task had become harder.
Our garage is full of ideal bolt holes suited to terrified and highly agitated cats. Obie was found hiding under the gas and electric meters but soon darted off along the pipes behind the storage boxes and towards the boiler. I had to remove from the side all boxes and other bits and pieces to get rid of hiding places. Quickly he darted into the second kitchen, a much smaller room. I closed the door to the garage and hoped that he had not gone behind the washing machine, which would have been game over at that point.
Sunday, 17 July 2016
Saturday, 16 July 2016
Waitrose
It was like walking into a western saloon wearing pink bottomless leather half-chaps, matching shirt with sequins and fluffy pink 10 gallon hat. Gingerly stepping over the corpses of unwise cowboys who had squinted in the wrong direction, and been met with a hail of bullets from some unshaven Mexicans with a penchant for whiskey and a reputation for over-reacting.
On reaching the bar and asking for an Earl Grey tea, no milk and a slice of ginger cake, the barman giving me that look that says, "Earl Grey, EARL GREY, EARL GOD DAMN GREY!!!!!" and then proceeding to shove the said t-bag through the hole in the bottomless half-chaps and depositing it where there would be some challenge adding the boiling water, not that that would deter him from trying to do so.
Maybe I go too far, well the bit about the Earl Grey and ginger cake was true, the Barman was a young disinterested girl and I also had a ham and cheese toastie all for £8.50.
This was my first time ever in Waitrose and for those who have never heard of this chain it is a step up from M&S but well short of Fortnum & Masons. A premium supermarket chain that caters for the somewhat better off clientele in the UK. A chain where you have to wear a shirt and tie (if you are male) to shop there and they almost carry out a number of background checks before allowing you to enter the premises.
In my defence I did intend to go to Asda following my rather late night out last night. I was in need of food, both immediate for brunch and also for the following week. As Asda hove into view I observed the lack of parking and had noted the Waitrose car park and so made the fateful decision to turn left and, although my car is in need of a clean, being a Jaguar enabled me to overcome the first line of Waitrose's defence and I pulled in. The first thing I noticed was that the 'normal' car parking bay was to put it mildly, massive. I could get my full length in the space with room to spare (take that how you will). There was even room on either side to allow for doors to open. I was impressed.
My first contact with an employee was actually as I proceeded to requisition a trolley. I asked whether they were available upstairs in the shop or should I take it into the lift? He sort of grunted that they were available and, thinking that the lift would be a regular size, I opted to delay my requisition. I was surprised to find that you could play five a side in the lift and have room for a burger van too.
The shop is very smart as are the staff, in terms of dress at least. I decided to have something to eat in the plush café but was worried that I may have to don a bow tie and jacket. When I managed to catch the attention of the entirely underemployed member of staff, who was un-enthusiastically trying to ignore her only customer, I placed my order. It would not become clear until much later on why she was reluctant to engage with me. I did manage to get served and the quality of presentation and food was impressive, if not the service. In fact I managed to spot a member of the team with some libellous message on her work clothing, it said "Customer Service".
The shop is overstaffed to the point where they have more than catered for the perceived loss of employment to be felt from the de-industrialisation of the UK after the decline of the coal, steel and shipbuilding industries.
I was very impressed with the range and quality of the goods on offer and even noted how neat and articulate the signage was. I had never seen so many independent types of cider on sale before. Not even the Camra festival at Earls Court has such a wide range of ciders.
The moment of realisation for me came when I unfurled my shopping bag and it was then that I saw that I had in fact brought in an Asda bag. I felt like I had smuggled cocaine into the country and was now surrounded by enthusiastic and slightly aggressive police officers.
The class of customer is somewhat more pretentious, but then also that comes with rather better manners than the average pyjama wearing family that shops en mass at Tescos. The children looked genuinely bored as if to indicate that shopping in a supermarket is not intellectually challenging enough for them but that it should offer more stimulating experiences.
Although I may have embellished a little, I think their niche market is making the shopping more of a quality experience than a mad crush for the weekly provisions whilst trying to dodge the poorly planned and positioned trollies of the shelf stackers. I now have to go back if only to listen to the customers and their outrageous comments, they are ever so civilised so much so that I cannot imagine having trolley rage. I will also have to take An there so she can enhance her cultural experience of the British way of doing things.
On reaching the bar and asking for an Earl Grey tea, no milk and a slice of ginger cake, the barman giving me that look that says, "Earl Grey, EARL GREY, EARL GOD DAMN GREY!!!!!" and then proceeding to shove the said t-bag through the hole in the bottomless half-chaps and depositing it where there would be some challenge adding the boiling water, not that that would deter him from trying to do so.
Maybe I go too far, well the bit about the Earl Grey and ginger cake was true, the Barman was a young disinterested girl and I also had a ham and cheese toastie all for £8.50.
This was my first time ever in Waitrose and for those who have never heard of this chain it is a step up from M&S but well short of Fortnum & Masons. A premium supermarket chain that caters for the somewhat better off clientele in the UK. A chain where you have to wear a shirt and tie (if you are male) to shop there and they almost carry out a number of background checks before allowing you to enter the premises.
In my defence I did intend to go to Asda following my rather late night out last night. I was in need of food, both immediate for brunch and also for the following week. As Asda hove into view I observed the lack of parking and had noted the Waitrose car park and so made the fateful decision to turn left and, although my car is in need of a clean, being a Jaguar enabled me to overcome the first line of Waitrose's defence and I pulled in. The first thing I noticed was that the 'normal' car parking bay was to put it mildly, massive. I could get my full length in the space with room to spare (take that how you will). There was even room on either side to allow for doors to open. I was impressed.
My first contact with an employee was actually as I proceeded to requisition a trolley. I asked whether they were available upstairs in the shop or should I take it into the lift? He sort of grunted that they were available and, thinking that the lift would be a regular size, I opted to delay my requisition. I was surprised to find that you could play five a side in the lift and have room for a burger van too.
The shop is very smart as are the staff, in terms of dress at least. I decided to have something to eat in the plush café but was worried that I may have to don a bow tie and jacket. When I managed to catch the attention of the entirely underemployed member of staff, who was un-enthusiastically trying to ignore her only customer, I placed my order. It would not become clear until much later on why she was reluctant to engage with me. I did manage to get served and the quality of presentation and food was impressive, if not the service. In fact I managed to spot a member of the team with some libellous message on her work clothing, it said "Customer Service".
The shop is overstaffed to the point where they have more than catered for the perceived loss of employment to be felt from the de-industrialisation of the UK after the decline of the coal, steel and shipbuilding industries.
I was very impressed with the range and quality of the goods on offer and even noted how neat and articulate the signage was. I had never seen so many independent types of cider on sale before. Not even the Camra festival at Earls Court has such a wide range of ciders.
The moment of realisation for me came when I unfurled my shopping bag and it was then that I saw that I had in fact brought in an Asda bag. I felt like I had smuggled cocaine into the country and was now surrounded by enthusiastic and slightly aggressive police officers.
The class of customer is somewhat more pretentious, but then also that comes with rather better manners than the average pyjama wearing family that shops en mass at Tescos. The children looked genuinely bored as if to indicate that shopping in a supermarket is not intellectually challenging enough for them but that it should offer more stimulating experiences.
Although I may have embellished a little, I think their niche market is making the shopping more of a quality experience than a mad crush for the weekly provisions whilst trying to dodge the poorly planned and positioned trollies of the shelf stackers. I now have to go back if only to listen to the customers and their outrageous comments, they are ever so civilised so much so that I cannot imagine having trolley rage. I will also have to take An there so she can enhance her cultural experience of the British way of doing things.
Monday, 6 June 2016
Disneyland Paris
Disneyland sounds like a magical place where heros overcome villains, princesses are rescued by their prince charmings and everyone lives happily ever after. Then you remember that you are in France and that this is a multi-million dollar business processing the meat that are customers through the sausage machine of hotels, attractions and merchandising shops to extract the last penny from you whilst smiling at you.
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