Gamin

Gamin, when I met you in October 2005 I thought to myself ‘ah, the cat, I always get on with cats’.  An and I met at the beginning of October and I came across to see her later that same month and there you were.  You were a very cautious, grumpy looking cat.  You clearly didn’t trust me and I decided early on that I would try and win you over, it took some time but we got there in the end.

  

You must have had a bad experience at some point because your instinctive reaction was to lash out at anyone who tried to touch you, I could not stroke you, rub your tummy or gently scratch behind your ears.  Sitting on my lap or anywhere near me was a big no no!  Noise was your enemy and your domain was the garage, garden and occasionally you would venture upstairs.  That was all to change.  The driving force was the purchase of our house by An and I in October 2007 and the move of Rene out of the old house, there was no alternative, you had to move in with us.  It was the best thing that could happen to you and things were definitely on the up.

I don’t really remember when you changed, it was probably gradual but I can never really think back to the time when you were a stranger in your own home.  I think it really started when I came back from Iraq and I ended up with time off work for a couple of months, then you really had the chance to get to know me.  You started to trust me and I was able to begin stroking you, although it seemed with strict timelines and there were no go areas.  I had a limited time before you would lash out and I could not touch your tummy or your sides, I was not to know how sensitive you were there because of your bladder problem.  Now, of course, I understand.  You had stones and bladder problems which meant you had a very stretched and bald pink tummy, very sensitive no matter how much you licked it.  You had a couple of close calls where we thought we were going to lose you and eventually you had your operation to remove the stones, what a difference that made.  Your fur grew back and An and I resolved to feed you proper cat food and not the dry stuff, boy did you like the wet cat food.  Your energy and health improved to the point where you could jump the gate at the back of the garden, much to the disbelief of An, Rene and I.  I bore witness, you did it Gamin, I saw you!

You were definitely a territorial cat and, given the chance, you were a night stalker.  A few times you went off for a couple of days, An was really worried but I know cats and I knew you would be back after you had patrolled the area.  The local cats were a bit taken aback, I am sure of that.  You never ceased to surprise us, you caught a robin, he probably deserved it.  You caught another bird, clever cat!  You watched me put the food out for the birds and then rolled around in it just to taunt them.  Watching them come in was like watching TV and occasionally you would go into hunting mode, thankfully you didn’t succeed more often.  There was the time when An and I came back from a concert to find a Blackbird fledgling stuck in the nets of one of our fruit bushes, I called to An not to let you out.  You were out like a shot as I tried to stop you getting to the bird.  I managed but you must have thought ‘why can’t I have him?’.  It was a bit of a comedy as I got that bird up onto the neighbour's garage roof for safety only for them to hurl themselves off the other side.  Unbeknown to me the parents of the birds (there were three) were watching me and their chicks!  It was like the great escape, one was off along the footpath and the other was on the wrong side of our house.  The parents must have been cursing me for making their job harder!

The garden was definitely your territory and I felt honoured when you would come up to me and rub yourself against my legs.  I used to deliberately walk about the garden and wait for you to follow, where I went you wanted to be.  I had won you over my friend.  I would sit on the grass and wait for you to come and sit with me and it was never long before you came out and stretched yourself next to me.  It was not just the garden, you would follow me into the toilet, a strange cat if ever I knew one.

We quickly identified that you liked the furry blanket and that became your blanket.  Then I tried putting the blanket across my lap and you eventually would sit half on and half off my lap.  More time would pass and then you would stretch your considerable length out along my legs, you were as close as you wanted to get.  In time whenever I lay down and had the blanket, opening my legs to form a ‘basket’ for you to curl up in, you were there without hesitation.  In fact I could almost say that you were impatiently waiting for me to ‘make your bed’.  You used to pummel my balls as you made yourself comfortable, much to An’s amusement.  I would, naturally, take the opportunity to pet you, which would get you purring loudly, again something that you had not really done a lot of when we first met, in fact at all as far as I could remember.  You also found your voice, a bit of a mixed blessing, but we used to talk about all sorts of things.

Do you remember the cat flap and the hesitancy about that?  I fitted a normal cat flap but then we discovered an intruder was coming in and that made you a bit uncomfortable.  We resolved that by giving you a magnetic cat flap, but then you used to walk around with spoons and other bits of metal hanging from your neck.  You stopped nuzzling the wall with the metal embedded in it as you kept sticking to the wall!  After a while you got used to the cat flap, in fact once when we had to keep you in your broke it down, bad boy!  As with any other cat you sat and waited to be let in and out despite your own ability to go through the cat flap, no point in having slaves unless you use them eh?

Other cats were not permitted into your garden and you must have been a bit aggrieved that we allowed a kitten to come and play.  You tolerated it but were quick to put her in her place when she tried to go too far.  I think she still comes round, but now she is also very cautious.  An seemed to make the garden to your liking, your favourite routine was to use the hedge as cover to move around the garden and get closer to the birds.  You had a favourite corner and you would stubbornly sit on guard growling at any unwanted visitors as they tried to trespass.  You would return with scars from your encounters, I somehow don’t think they would have beaten you.  You did not like the garden hose and the lawnmower, but then that’s normal for a cat.  You used to spend time sat on your mat by the door just watching your garden.  The number of times you stropped your claws on the mat when I had opened the door for you, it was almost like saying ‘yes I want to be in, but I am going to make you hold the door until I am ready!’  Sometimes my patience would run out and the door would be closed in your face, my what a picture that was when I did that!

Visitors to the house always seemed to be a threat and only for certain ones or at certain times would you emerge from the garage or upstairs to sit with us in the living room.  The way you sat sometimes, it was like you were at the ready to run off, in some cases I think you were.  Then again, because of your left hind leg, you used to sit with it outstretched, it was more comfortable for you to do that.  Climbing onto the sofa, and I do mean climbing, it seemed like it was a real effort to get up there.  You used your full set of claws to heave yourself up, no light springy jump for you.  You would not even climb up at the lowest point, you always went from the side.  You used to avoid the red carpet, you mustn’t have liked the feel of the thing.  Although you were quite sick all over it, to An’s utter dismay.  It used to interest me that when you were sitting on the back of the sofa your tail would whip back and forth as something irritated you as you watched.  Sometimes I would deliberately put my hand near your tail so it would hit my hand, you knew but did not seem to mind that.

I would be annoyed by your constant desire to be in and out of our second kitchen, especially on a Saturday or Sunday morning when both An and I were trying to have breakfast.  Was this a desire on your part to reinforce your control over us?  Occasionally when you had one of your moments and lashed out, I gave you a smack and showed you who was really the boss.  Your look of disgust was something else, but you always forgave me soon afterwards.  Even administering the flea and worm liquid to the back of your neck, it was always that look of ‘why?  I thought we were mates?’

One of my favourite times was when I used to see you lying curled up on the spare bed.  I would come in lie curled around you and stroke your neck and ears to get you to purr, it never took long.  I would then be off again on my way downstairs.  I would repeat this every time I transited from the loft to the kitchen, dropping by to make you purr then leaving again.  Sometimes during the day I would take a nap and you would join me on the bed, I would end up feeling like I was in a straight jacket as I tried to avoid disturbing you as I moved about.  Of course, as soon as my legs were apart, you nestled yourself in there with the usual two or three turns on the spot and then a ‘plonk’ as you dropped yourself into place.  There was never any doubt that you were there with your weight and presence.  Both An and I experienced you deliberately stretching out and pressing yourself against us, you wanted to let us know that you were there, if only for the attention.  An did not like you sleeping overnight with us as you inevitably wanted to get up and leave during the night, which necessitated one of us going downstairs to let you out.  We would not get much sleep then.  When An chased you either from the bed before sleeping or from the living room, you occasionally hissed as you made your feelings known about your nightly banishment to the garage.

Trips to the vet for your annual check up and the opportunity for the vet to make some money...  Well I have never seen a cat be so helpless as you when you were put into your box, you looked so pitiful as your paw poked through the bars at the front of your box.  You became very quiet and limp.  That changed when you got to the vet, the deep rumbling growl just for being in the building.  Hearing the noises and smelling the smells of the surgery were enough to get you at the peak of fighting capability.  I wore leather gloves once, which must have been another strange smell.  The vets were scared of you and rightly so with claws like that, you were a very strong and aggressive cat.  I did suggest a sedative, which they did give every now and again, it was so much easier to examine you when you were knocked out!  I know you hated the vets and I disliked their insistence that you should be on very expensive and unnecessary diet food, despite the tests showing that the food was not the cause of your stones.  We ignored them with regard to that and they had to find other ways to charge us for things.  I was always glad to be taking you home and you never held it against me even though I put you through it so many times.  There were a couple of times where An and I thought we had lost you, you were in such a bad way and I almost refused to accept that you might be dying.  Then came that call I was dreading.

You had your check up in February and the vet said that everything was ok, only the small issue of you being sick, which I thought was down to the food.  We had noticed that you were having trouble breathing and An was worried.  Was it a hair ball or just some kind of cold?  The crunch came when I was stroking your head and I noticed a lump behind your ear and then another under your throat.  The first one we thought might be a result of fighting and an infection but to have two was not right.  I immediately said to An we must take you to the vet, sorry but we needed to get it checked out.  It was Saturday 28^th March 2014 and after trying to examine you the vet then had to sedate you to give you a proper examination.  You had the works, the x-rays, the blood test, the sample from the lump and the five or six injections.  It must have been uncomfortable for you.  The lumps were not seen to be a problem but the x-rays showed up water around the lungs, which the vet said could be an infection.  Cue more antibiotics and expense and I, to my shame, was more concerned with that than your health.  We had to try and give you these tablets in your food, but of course you were not eating.  That night, we let you sleep on the bed, I thought you would be ok but I wanted you to be near us and I am glad you were.  You still did not take your food and quite frankly you seemed to be starving yourself, you even allowed another cat to venture into your garden unchallenged.  Something was wrong.

An called me whilst I was waiting to go into my Dutch lesson, she was at the vets and explained that you were in a really bad way and she needed me to be with her.  I thought to myself, this is it, but I did not get emotional as I drove back.  I expected the worst and was desperate to get to the vets, traffic was heavy and although I was upset I did not get angry, patience I thought, I will be there soon.  I arrived to find you in your box and an oxygen tube stuck inside.  There was cling film around the box and you were growling at the vet.  I was relieved to see that as I had expected far worse.  Then came the discussion, the vet was as certain as she could be that you had a tumour, which is fatal, but that there was a very remote chance that it was an infection.  We talked about what could be done and the vet suggested leaving you in the surgery to try the antibiotics or even giving us some to inject you at home, but her face told us that there was little hope.  I did not want to leave you in the surgery, the emotions started to come through, I just wanted to take you home, I wanted to cuddle you even though you had never really been cuddled, I wanted to protect you, I did not want to lose you.  I was frustrated that the box was closed and you were unable to escape and I was not able to touch you.  I tried to soothe you, I think it helped.  The vet left An and I alone, we hugged and cried as we accepted the only decision to make was to have you put to sleep.  I asked An to call the vet in and we gave her our decision, An then asked if you could be put to sleep at home and the vet said that given the condition you were in when you arrived it would be a very uncomfortable night and day for you.  I did not want you to die in the surgery all frightened and in a strange place, but I felt that I had nowhere to go.

We took the top off the box and you continued to growl at the vet whenever she got near, I managed to stroke your head and made you purr, it meant so much to me to hear that.  I wanted to take you away, somewhere better than this, keep you safe and have just one more day with you.  I was crying, I wanted to explain why, comfort you and tell you how much I loved you and how much I would miss you.  I don’t know if you understood or not, I hoped, my God I hoped.

The vet administered the sedative and I kept stroking you and talking to you, I could not control the tears and that started An off too.  It was really a case of waiting for me to give the approval and the lethal injection would be administered, I eventually got up the courage to give the vet the nod and she gave you that injection.  I was so desperately sad and I hoped that you could not feel anything and that you were no longer distressed.  I watched your breathing get shallower as I continued to caress your ears.  You seemed so strong, so much so that the vet came in with another injection to the heart.  I felt helpless, I wanted to be angry at the callous nature of the second injection but I did not have the strength to utter a word. It was not long after and then that was it, you were at peace.

No more the fear of trips to the vets,

No more fear at all,

No longer running from strangers or noises,

No more pain.

No more waiting by the door when I come down to feed you,

No more nuzzling my iPad as I try to read,

No more summers in the garden, chewing the plants and scaring the birds,

No more tip tapping along the floor as you follow me about.

No more cold winter nights in the garage,

No more being chased to bed at night,

No more crazy scratching and biting as you go mad,

No more jumping as I sneeze and when An blows her nose.

You are at peace, where the sun shines all day and you can hunt among the grass,

Our love for you will never die, you can never be replaced.

There is a scar across my heart from when you were torn from it by this disease,

The scar will heal but will forever be there to remind me of you and how much I loved you.

You know the thing is, both An and I will change now that you have gone and I wonder if you are watching us and still following me around.  You might wonder what all the fuss is about.  The first day after your death and I was off to work.  I went into the second kitchen to get my breakfast and I could barely stand to be in the room, everywhere I looked I expected to see your little face, waiting to be fed.  The windowsill was empty, you were not waiting to be let in and I took deep breaths as I closed the fridge door and went to leave to go to work.  On my way in I was fighting the tears as I drove, hoping I would be able to concentrate on the road.  I had grown up with cats but never had I experienced such a strong emotional tie as I had with you and you spoke Dutch too!

This is my tribute to you Gamin, you could be a grumpy cat at times, but you were so very special and I would give anything to have you back.