Etiquette On the Tube

During my commute I have come to observe the habits and etiquette that should be in place for commuters who are crammed like sardines into the fast moving, if jerky, epitome of modern rail transport that is the Tube.

First of all you should give up your seat for those less able to stand than yourself, this is usually the case, however, often it gets so crowded that the elderly, pregnant and disabled often can't even reach the seats, we do try to accommodate them.  You should also move into the carriage and not linger about the door, this is something that most people fail to do and on my first trip in I came to grief with someone as I brushed past them.  I made the error of not saying 'excuse me', which is of course the correct way to request that someone should let you past.  I had already descended into the frame of mind where no one will move regardless of how you plead, and this is borne out of experience.  There is an unfounded fear of not being able to get off the train unless you block the doors by crowding in front of them.  Everyone secretly dreads the pushchair or large suitcases.  It is most inconsiderate to travel on the tube with such large impediments to mobility.  Most smile, but do not make any noticeable attempt to move or help.

I recently made note of the dreaded wet umbrella phenomenon, this is where you have to fold away your damp umbrella and be very careful to avoid it leaching onto some poor commuter as you are pressed up against them.  It is important to stress that there is no such thing as personal space on a tube, although not desirable, physical contact is sometimes maintained due to the crush.  Even in these circumstances, the kindles and, yes I mean this, the newspapers come out in force.  There is always enough room to annoy a fellow commuter by flicking a newspaper in their face.  What is also taboo but all too common is that the free newspapers are brought onboard and then dumped by their 'owners'.  Sometimes this is convenient if you need something to read but otherwise it is simply rubbish that someone else will need to clear up.

As well as the books, kindles and newspapers there are a healthy number of people who are busy playing games on their phones, listening to music or composing texts and emails.  All of this is really just a bid to avoid eye contact, which is the thing most are desperate to do.  There is no desire to form a bond with the fellow commuter.  If you do happen to exchange words then the ice is truly broken and it can be a happy distraction.  More often though, nothing is said and sometimes there are angry exchanges between frustrated people who do not relish their trip.

Unlike a lift, where breaking wind is the most embarrassing possible thing, ok almost then, you can do.  In the Tube at rush hour there is safety in numbers and I have, on more than one occasion, been the subject of someone's noxious emissions.  I have not perpetrated such a deed myself, which is commendable given my record at home.  A slightly lesser annoyance is the smelly armpit by the giant that I am normally stood next to on the train, sometimes I have nowhere to run to avoid this.  I am, naturally, very aware of my own delightful aroma and considering I usually overheat when walking from house to station, I try to make a special effort to keep cool and fresh.

One of the other things I have noticed is that some passengers with back packs on seem to forget or don't care that they are now almost twice as thick (maybe in intelligence terms as well) as they usually are when not carrying them.  They may as well be carrying a long plank of wood for all the consideration they have as they turn thoughtlessly in the confined spaces of the carriage.  It is very tempting to push their pack the other way and watch as they do an impression of an upturned  tortoise.

Another habit I have noticed is passengers who evacuate the train to cross the platform opposite in a bid to get the other train, which the announcer has said will depart first.  I mean, really, does it make so much of a difference the minute or so longer that their current train will take?  It is strangely satisfying when the original train departs ahead of the other one, although this does not happen that often.

When boarding the train the passengers are asked to let other passengers off the train first before attempting to board.  This turns to something like the scramble for lifeboats on a sinking ship as the beeping of the 'closing door' signal sounds.  Using your head or other handy objects to test the door safety mechanism is not helpful or recommended.

For all that I have said there are many helpful and friendly people who make the journey more pleasant.  In fact just observing the characters is enough to bring an occasional smile to my face. Delays never dull my experience of the trip.